


Voicemails

by rosewaterangel



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M, Pining, hxh - Freeform, i genuinely dont know what point in canon this would be but, kurapika has untreated ptsd, kurapika is Not Coping, leopika - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:15:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24081175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosewaterangel/pseuds/rosewaterangel
Summary: His Nen abilities aren't the only restrictions Kurapika has placed on himself. He is also emotionally unavailable! :D
Relationships: Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 5
Kudos: 51





	Voicemails

_Please love me._

It’s not something he should say. What kind of person begs for love they know they cannot return? He was an empty shell, broken beyond repair, not suitable to love or be loved, that was for sure. He’d become a cold, calculating machine built to execute his revenge, nothing more.

He’d forgotten how to love others.

He was empty and broken, his insides shattered and irreparable, the pieces glued back into place, staying together by sheer willpower, his body charging itself onward by the need to kill the people who turned him into this loveless monster.

And yet Leorio looked at him like _that_. Gave him gentle smiles, and patience that could rival a fucking angel. Messages in bottles sent out to him, a lonely raft out in the middle of the sea. Leorio never knew if these messages would ever reach him, or if they did if Kurapika would even bother to hear his words, but he still sent them. He took time out of his day to call him up, knowing he wouldn’t respond. Even when his voicemailbox was full. Even though it had been so long that if Leorio saw him now, he wouldn’t even remember the ghost of the person he once was. The boy with even a shred of hope remaining in him had slipped away, and Kurapika doubted he would ever be that person again.

And yet Leorio called him. Every day.

And Kurapika wanted him to.

He listened to the latest message, biting his lip as he looked at his hand rested in his lap, hearing Leorio’s words.

 _“Hey Kurapika! I know you’re just itchin’ to hear all about what happened today…”_ He went on about what he’d done, the hospital was bustling that morning, he’d said. It was busy, but he didn’t mind. He never seemed to. _“Maybe one of these days you can tell me what you’ve been up to? I’d ask if you’d visit me at work but I’m kinda scared you’d take it too far. I don’t want to ever see you in the hospital, okay? You gotta take better care than that.”_

How did he know so little about what Kurapika was doing, but he knew so well how he was acting? How could he predict that? Read him so well?

 _“You can come visit me at home, though. You know you’re always welcome, right? Don’t even gotta call before you get here. You can just show up.”_ It was a desperate plead hidden by his nonchalant tone, but Kurapika knew there was nothing casual about this. Leorio wanted to see him, but how could Kurapika do that? How could he after all he’s done?

 _“I miss you. … I mean, all of us miss you. … Especially me though, you know? Ah, wait, that sounded dumb. Is there a way to delete voicemails? Ugh, just forget about it, okay? Don’t feel bad ‘bout it. … I mean, I know you wouldn’t—”_ Leorio let out a loud sigh, Kurapika giving a small smile. _“Just please give me some kinda sign you’re alive, okay? Anything. Even if it’s something super small. Alright, I’ll talk to you later. Stay safe.”_

The message ended after that. Kurapika tucked his phone back into his pocket. Why couldn’t Leorio just let him go? Why did he have to try so hard?

_But dear God please never ever stop._

Kurapika got up from where he sat, not sure what to do. Why was he thinking like this so much today? He couldn’t go back to see them, he couldn’t risk getting them caught up in this. Or worse, calming himself down. He can’t, not until he’s finished with what he started. He knew that this is what he must do.

So why? Why did his skin itch, heart aching in his chest, begging to call Leorio back? Stupid thing.

He poured himself a cup of black coffee, getting to work, his phone tucked away in his pocket. He tried to convince himself that he didn’t secretly want it to ring, that he didn’t want another voicemail from Leorio. Another chance to listen to his voice, words picked carefully just for him to hear, to feel like he was being held, wrapped up gently in the arms of someone who wants nothing more than for him to get a good night’s sleep.

He took his phone out of his pocket, placing it on the desk. In case his boss calls.

He ran his fingers through his hair. How long had it been since he last answered Leorio? Much too long, for sure. … But if he said anything, it would just egg him on. It would just make him call more often, try to weasel his way back into Kurapika’s life. He didn’t need that right now. He didn’t need another person he loved getting hurt.

A person he loved. Leorio. He loved Leorio.

The thought made him frown, a truth he had buried deep down inside of him, swallowed like a rock hitting the pit of his stomach. As much as he tried to keep it there, he only vomited it back up, rising in him like bile up his throat.

It’s pathetic, isn’t it?

His body is only a tool, a weapon for exacting revenge. He can’t let someone love it. But his heart ached to be loved by this man he cares so much about.

But that’s why he can’t fucking call him! What the fuck Kurapika just do your goddamn work and don’t call Leorio or he’ll fucking die like your parents you stupid dumb idiot—

He tore himself from his thoughts, pounding his hands on the sides of his skull. Spiraling like that is the most pathetic thing he did.

He finished up the work he needed to do, angrily putting himself to sleep, only because it had been almost seventy hours since he had last allowed himself the luxury of a couple hours of rest.

Pulling the blanket up around his shoulders, he closed his eyes. How could he show Leorio this ruined body of his? This bruised, broken rag doll he used as a puppet, only capable of rage and anger. A being of hatred, unsuitable for love. He’d probably have an allergic reaction to it.

Yet in this secret, intimate place, laying in bed… He imagined Leorio’s arms around him. He imagined how different life could be in this perfect world he created. His family lived, the two of them living close enough to them to visit often. Maybe in this world, he could be happy. In this perfect world where things were easy, where he could allow himself to love someone else. A world without fear. Without the screaming in his mind, a world where he wasn’t breaking himself down until there was nothing left of him.

Ah, well.

Kurapika rolled over, the image of Leorio vanishing as he touched the empty space beside him. It was for the best, wasn’t it? Loving someone could bring nothing but pain. This world is a cruel and unkind place for love to live. It was selfish of him to want to see Leorio, to want to feel his thick palms holding Kurapika’s hands. Since when did they get so rough? How long will the areas around his nailbeds be stained with blood he could never seem to wash away?

Maybe one day things will be different. Maybe one day he’ll be able to see the people he’s scared to say he cares about, with no one in the world who could hurt them.

He fell asleep like this, arm stretched out beside him, thinking of this better life he could have. Wondering what kind of day Leorio will have tomorrow.

He’s sure he’ll get to hear all about it.


End file.
